Gus's new hobby

Me: Gus, why are you going through my purse?

Gus: 'Cuz it is like a 'wonderland'.

Becca's band friends come over....

Gus:(hiding behind the bookshelf) Mom, we're being INVADED!

Me: Really? By whom?

Gus: Teenagers!

Now that is my type of humor....

Supportive words

Jack to friend: Did you see the awesome crucifix I made in clay class?

Friend: Yeah. That's because you totally have skills.

Gummy but yummy!

Returning home from a wonderful Memorial Day at the pool, I decided to stop at the local drug store to pick up a gallon of milk. As an added bonus, I spotted a ginormous bag of gummy worms and decided to purchase those as well.

As I returned to the car, I quickly and evenly distributed them to my motley crew. A few minutes later, protests broke out!

Nick: Guys, check this out! I can swallow a gummy worm and then right after, cough it back up again!

Gus: Nick that is sooo unfair. You get to eat twice as many as we do!

Jack: Totally unfair!!

Henry: More!!More!!

Do Re Mi

At a recent choir concert of Rebecca's, the family enjoyed many beautiful choral pieces sung in various languages including German. Jack found that listening to music in another language was odd.

Jack: Mom, I can't understand what they are singing sometimes.

Me: That's because they are singing in German, Jack.

Jack: (confused) So then what's the reason we listen to it?

Pride.

Jack and Gus get into some massively gross burping contests that make me cringe. They seem so proud of their talents, no matter how disgusting it is to one of the few females in this family. I heard a recent burping exchange the other day in the living room, where Jack justified his smaller burp:

Gus: Burrrrrrrrrppppp!

Jack: Burrp.

Gus: My burp was longer and louder than yours.

Jack: Yeah, but mine was smellier.

Gus: I'm going to work on it.

Jack: You need to.

I just shake my head and wonder where in the heck this stuff comes from. Thanksgiving, here we come! The rafters will be shaking!

Picky vs. Perturbed

I made a new version of my popular chicken pot pie recipe last night. I used a Bisquick crust instead of the regular pie crust recipe the family was accustomed to. This change was not popular with a certain man in my life.

Him: What's on the top of the chicken pot pie?

Her: It's a Bisquick crust. I did not have a pie crust.

Him: I can't eat that. It looks like the airplane food I got sick on when I returned home from Chile.

Her: OK. Don't eat it.

Him: (munching on salad) Did you wash the lettuce?

Her: Uh...yeah. Why?

Him: It's a little grainy. (He picks out a small bug from the lettuce.) Oh! No wonder the lettuce tasted grainy. (She glares.)

Her: (slightly perturbed) Well, EAT it anyway! Bugs don't eat much!

Humor for the day...

Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas:

There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshippers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings – some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he is known as ....................The Chip Monk

I really like that one!

Ouch!

Rebecca and I slipped out to the mall the other day to get her fitted for a dress. She will be a maid for a friend's quinceanera in November. Afterwards, Becca requested some new clothes for the new school year, and seeing all the Labor Day sales, I was happy to spend some girl time at the mall.

Rebecca instantly found some Levi jeans on sale. She rushed into the dressing room and came out looking sleek and slim in her 550's.

Me: Oh, man Becca! You look so good in those jeans! I remember when I was that thin....before 5 babies!

Becca: (laughing) Oh, mom. Don't worry about the extra weight. The old you is in there...... somewhere.

Becca taunts her brother.

Becca: Gus, could you change shirts, because that one looks a little fruity.

Gus: What??! Huh? I don't see any fruits on it!

Laugh of the day...

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand, and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and, 'I understand.'"

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit...what happened next?"

HT: Teresa P.

Cousins

At the sight of Henry's large hulking size, Uncle Geoffrey exclaimed, "Henry, please don't eat my baby!"

You have got to love his thighs and little Mary's daintiness.

Laugh of the day...

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with
pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys' ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they
would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good
telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line.
Just then her pager begins to emit a beep, beep, beep.


The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!"

HT: Uncle Gus

I knew it was going to be one of those days...

My husband: You can't put that on the blog.

Me: Oh, yes I can. It's real life!

Here's the story he preferred me to keep a secret:

Today I experienced a "first" in the world of childrearing. You would think something like this had happened to me before. Considering the fact that I have five children and considering the fact that I have experienced many gross incidences of diaper changes, this one took the cake.

As I changed Henry this morning, bleary eyed and tired, I discovered that not only had he "tinkled" a huge amount, but he had also inserted a large "package" of poop as well. Barely able to see what I was doing in the early morning dawn, I wiped up his massive mess and removed his diaper. I stumbled across the bedroom floor to get him a change of clothes and a new diaper but did not notice that Henry's "used up" diaper had fallen to the floor. Unbound, open and well, very stinky. As I walked back to where Henry lay, I felt something warm and gushy on my foot...(ewh, ewh ewh...yes, you all guessed right) It was, in all its glory...Henry's poo poo. In a large green mass on the arch of my foot.(This may be too much for the reader with the weak stomach, but I just had to share this perilous moment of motherhood.) Totally awake at the realization that I had indeed stepped in something totally nasty, I just stood there, foot raised high, yelling, " Oh please, NO! This is nasty, nasty, nasty!!" Problem was, the baby wipes were on the other side of the room since I had just run out of wipes cleaning up Mr. Gross! So I hopped to the wipes and hurriedly cleaned up my foot.

I was totally disgusted. Henry was totally delighted with the entertainment.

The rest of the day did not go much better....but that's a posting for another day. Still, looking on the bright side of things...it was much better than stepping in dog poo poo. Not that I've ever done that.

What was that again?

I was upstairs getting dressed this morning when I heard Gus yelling at Jack for not listening to his pleas for attention:

Gus: (impatiently) Jack, did you put your ears on this morning?

Top 10 things I've figured out in my short 6 months on this earth

1. If I cry loud enough, someone always shows up. I never know who it will be!
2. If there is a toy I desperately want, rolling towards it always helps, except when the table leg gets in the way.
3. Family members oooooh and ahhhh when I prop myself up on all fours. What's the big deal?
4. Those stubs on the ends of my body are feet and they taste really good.
5. The dark is boring. I need company when I see it. Preferably the company of my parents warm bodies.
6. My parents bed is waaaay more comfortable than mine.
7. Baby powder feels really good. Can I drink it?
8. Brothers are so cool! They give me wooden weapons to practice my warrior moves.
9. I DO NOT LIKE anything sticky or gooey between my legs!
10. The ladies love me. I have them all wrapped around my fingers.

To the Target saleslady: I love you!

Saleslady: She does not look like she has a 14 year old daughter, does she?

Other clerk: SHE has a 14 year old daughter?

Me: (speaking softly to myself) I love you ladies!!

Almost, but not quite right.

After watching a touching movie about a couple having trouble conceiving a child, I overhear Nick and Gus discussing the whole problem:

Gus: Why can't they have babies?

Nick: (impatient) Because! He does not have enough fertilizer!

You know she must be the mother of five..

When she decides to take her baby for a walk and upon realizing she cannot find a blanket to wrap him in, she settles for her older son's baseball t-shirt. (All names withheld to protect the innocent.)